What to Do When You Have to Work with Someone You Don't Like

Jeff*, like me, is a writer, a speaker, and the head of a consulting company. As far as I can tell, he's professional, well respected, capable, honest, and has a popular following. Someone we both know has asked us to collaborate on a project and there's clearly a mutual benefit to our working together.

It all sounds great except for one thing: I don't like Jeff.

Something about him rubs me the wrong way. He seems too self-serving or egocentric or self-satisfied. I don't know what it is exactly, but I know I don't like him.

I mentioned that to the person who wants us to work together. She told me, essentially, to get over it. "You don't have to like him," she said, "but you'd be smart to work with him."

So how do you work with someone you don't like?

I'm not simply talking about someone who frustrates you because they communicate poorly or can't run a meeting. Sure it's annoying to have your time wasted, especially when you believe you could do a better job. But that's different than disliking them. Just think about how you respond differently to someone you like who can't run a meeting (you want to help them) versus someone you don't like (you want to stop working with them, or, if the meeting is really long, kill them).

The typical advice you hear about working with people you don't like is simply to depersonalize the relationship. Just transact whatever business you need to with them and move on. In other words: Grin and bear it.

But I have found that almost impossible to do.The people we don't like drive us crazy and we waste a tremendous amount of time complaining about them, or stressing about a conversation we need to have with them.

And that's not the worst of it. The deeper problem is that if you don't like someone, chances are they know it. Which will prompt them to not like you. And if you think working with someone you don't like is hard, try working with someone who doesn't like you.

It's simple, really. The people you get along with will find ways to help you; the people you don't get along with will find ways to obstruct you.

Being liked has irrefutable benefits. According to research, the more people like you, the easier, more productive, and more profitable, your life will be. Which means that someone you don't get along with — even if you grin and bear it — poses a risk.

So if grinning and bearing it is a losing strategy, what's the alternative?

Consider, for a moment, the reason you don't like someone. Maybe you think they're greedy. Or selfish. Or dismissive. Or downright mean. In other words, they have some character flaw or disagreeable trait that bothers you. Like my view of Jeff as self-serving, egocentric, and self-satisfied.

Now — and here's the hard part — think about whether, in the dark shadowy parts of your psyche, you can detect shards of that disagreeable trait in yourself.

Can you be greedy, selfish, dismissive or downright mean? You really don't like that part of yourself, right? You wish you could distance yourself from that side of you. Just like you wish you could distance yourself from that disliked person.

In other words, chances are, the reason you can't stand that person in the first place, is that they remind you of what you can't stand about yourself.

Suddenly, working with people you don't like becomes a lot more interesting. Because getting to know them better, and accepting the parts of them you don't like, is actually getting to know yourselfbetter and accepting the parts of yourself you don't like.

So the way to overcome your dislike of someone else? Overcome your dislike of yourself.

That's where the person you don't like can come in handy. Use him to understand yourself better. Consider why you have a problem with him. What does he do that bothers you so much? Move past his inability to run meetings or write a good email and get to what's really bugging you. What about his personality or behavior sparks annoyance or disgust in you? What do you hate about him?

Then, consider how your answers might be a reflection of you. This is a game and you win by finding that hated behavior in yourself.

For me, Jeff reflected those attributes about myself that I disliked — the way I can be self-serving and egotistical and self-satisfied.

Think about times when you feel greedy or selfish or dismissive or downright mean. Can you see it? Can you feel your feelings of both attraction and disgust? Can you admit to yourself that it's not black or white? It's black and white. Can you live with the complexity of your humanness? That's the key to being compassionate with yourself.

And being compassionate with yourself is the key to being compassionate with others. Before you know it, you'll actually begin to like people you never liked before. Maybe you'll even feel like helping them run those meeting more productively.

It's now easy for me to see myself in Jeff. I can be self-serving and egotistical and self-satisfied. It's still hard to admit that — especially in writing — but it's a part of who I am and, in the right doses, it actually serves me well.

And there's an added bonus to admitting it: I now like Jeff.

杰夫和我一样，集作家、发言人、咨询公司领导职位于一身。据我所知，他是个专业、受人尊重、才华横溢、诚实并且受人欢迎的人。我们的一个共同朋友让杰夫与我共同完成一项工作，很明显，一起共事对我们双方都有利。

　　这个想法听起来不错，但问题是：我并不喜欢杰夫。

　　他的一些事激怒了我。他看起来要么太自私自利，要么太自以为是。我不知道如何准确地描述杰夫，但是我知道我不喜欢他。

　　我把这些想法告诉了让我们共事的那个人。她劝我必须克服这种想法，“你可以不喜欢他，但你要明智地与他合作。”

　　那么，如果必须和不喜欢的人共事，该怎么办呢？

　　我并不是单纯谈论那些让你难堪的人。这些人可能会因为沟通能力欠佳或者会议组织能力太差而让你失望，和这种人共事，你当然会因为时间被浪费而愤怒，尤其是在你相信自己可以更出色地完成工作时。但是这种情况并不等同于“不喜欢”。想想看，对于你喜欢的人，如果他们会议组织能力不行，你会非常想帮助他们；而对于那些你不喜欢的人，你会想终止和他们一起工作，如果会议真的被拖得很长，你会很想打断他。你对这两种情况的反应是不同的。

　　对于和不喜欢的人共事，最典型的忠告就是：降低彼此间的联系，而只需和他们保持工作关系。换句话说：逆来顺受。

　　但是我发现这几乎不可能实现。那些人会让我们抓狂，以致于我们会浪费大量时间和他们争吵，或者在需要和他们沟通时会倍感压力。

　　但这都还不是最糟糕的。更糟的是，如果你不喜欢的人，碰巧知道了你不喜欢他，这就会激起他们也不喜欢你。如果你认为和自己不喜欢的人一起工作是件困难的事，那么不妨试试和不喜欢你的人一起工作。

　　这个道理很简单。和你和睦相处的人，会帮你找解决方法；与你不合的人，却会找你麻烦。

　　讨人喜欢有不可否认的益处。研究表明，喜欢你的人越多，你的生活就会越轻松、越有效、更有利可图。那就意味着，与你不合的人，即使你对他逆来顺受，他也会对你造成威胁。

　　所以，如果逆来顺受不奏效，还有哪些选择呢？

　　首先，你应该稍微想一想自己不喜欢某人的理由。也许你认为他们很贪婪、自私、刚愎自用。换句话说，他们有一些令你讨厌的性格缺陷或厌恶的特质。就像我把杰夫看成自私、自以为是的人一样。

　　第二，这也是最艰难的部分，想想自己内心深处是不是也有类似的令人厌恶的特质。

　　你是否也是个贪婪自私、刚愎自用或者十分卑鄙的人？你确实不喜欢这些性格，对吧？就像和不喜欢的人保持距离一样，相信你也希望自己能与不好的一面保持距离。

　　换句话说，那就是，你不能容忍的那个人，让你想起了自己身上也有同样的缺点。

　　要你一下子和不喜欢的人共事，就变的更加有意思了。如果你越了解他们，越能接受他们讨厌的部分，那你就越能更好地了解自己，并且接受自己令人讨厌的那一面。

　　所以说，克服你讨厌别人的方法是什么呢？——就是克服自己令人讨厌的个性。

　　那也就是你不喜欢的人可能派上用场的地方。通过他来更了解你自己。想想你为何不喜欢他。他做了哪些事让你如此烦恼？别去追究他组织会议的无能表现，或者是写不好工作邮件的事儿，要找到让你心烦的真正原因。是他的行为或个性让你讨厌吗？你究竟因为什么讨厌他？

　　想清楚你如何回答这个问题，这反映了对自己的写照。这好比是一个游戏，只有找到你令人讨厌的行为，你才算是赢了。

　　对于我来讲，从杰夫身上，我了解到自己令人讨厌的特质就是——自私、自以为是、自我满足。

　　当你感到贪婪、自私、或非常卑鄙的特质时，你要三思。你自己发现了吗？你是否发现你的行为同时具备了吸引人的和令人厌恶的特质？你是否承认自己的个性不是非黑即白，而是复杂的混合体？你是否承认作为人的复杂性？这些都是能否接受自己的关键。

　　而接受自己又是接受别人的关键。只有你开始实质性地喜欢之前讨厌的人，你才能够意识到这一点，才可能去协助他们把会议组织得更加高效。

　　现在对于我来讲，很容易从杰夫身上看到我自己。我可能是个自私、自以为是和自我满足的人。这是个很难承认的事实，即使是在写这篇博客时也是如此，但这就是我个性的一部分，只要运用得当，这部分特质就会帮助我。

　　这么做的好处就是：我现在已经不讨厌杰夫了