父亲是一本书

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闲来无事,翻出一本散文集。随手打开一页,正是一篇记念父亲的文章。当看到其中一句“父亲是一本书,做子女的也许要用一生的时间才能读懂”时,一阵锥心刺骨般的隐痛顿时刺上心头。屈指算来,父亲离开我已有六年了。这六年里,我无时无刻地不在思念着他。我甚至企求上苍能够给我一个机会,让我重新做一回父亲的女儿,那样我必定将自己所有的孝心都给予他,让他成为世界上最幸福的父亲。然而上苍永远不会给我这个机会,我也只能在愧疚中缅怀父亲了。


  父亲只是个普通工人,没有什么文化,但他出生的家庭曾经是很显赫的。他出生在江苏一个大户人家,属于书香门弟,祖上遗留了不少田地和房产,父亲儿时过着少爷般的生活。后来日本人来了,家产全部被抢光,家道中落、一贫如洗,全家被迫逃难到上海。为了一家人的生计,父亲放弃了学业,不到14岁就给人当学徒、做小贩……整日在外奔波劳累。解放后,父亲为了获得一份高收入,瞒着家人报名到外地油田会战支援石油建设,从此一别上海40余年。


  父亲的家世我也是成人后才得知,但在我很小时候,我就知道他的成份是地主。在那个唯成分论的年代里,我好像天生就低人一等。别的孩子肆意欺负我,我不敢做丝毫抵抗,我怕他们骂我是“小地主”;小学每学期开学都要填成份,那是我最伤心欲绝的时刻。每次在我胆颤心惊地填上“地主”时,我都有生不如死的感觉。为此我曾经在心里恨过父亲很长时间,我恨他让我小小年纪就要承受那么多的屈辱和难堪!


  记得有一次父亲回上海探亲,给我带回一件祖母亲手缝制的缎子夹袄,夹袄上还有祖母用金线精心绣制的花边。当我穿着这件新衣服上学时,同伴们嫉妒得眼珠子都要瞪红了。他们一边朝我吐口水,一边骂我是“小地主”。我一路哭着跑回家,将那件衣服狠狠地扔在地上,再用力地踩上几脚。父亲让我捡起来,我倔强地就是不捡,父亲气得扬起手要打我。我一边哭,一边叫嚷着:“谁让你不是贫农?你为什么是地主?如果有贫农愿意要我,我现在就不做你女儿!”父亲扬起的手慢慢地又放了下来。那一时刻,我分明看见父亲的眼角里含着眼泪。


  在儿时的记忆中,父亲是很严厉的。他对我的要求非常严格,用他自己的话说就是:“女孩子从小就要受规矩。”他像培养一个大家闺秀般地培养我,我说话、走路、坐卧、吃饭乃至端碗的姿势都必须按他的要求去做。小时候,他经常把我关在家里,让我背《三字经》、《增广贤文》、《弟子规》、《千字文》等古文。而只比我大一岁的哥哥,父亲却放任他在外面自由自在地玩耍。于是,这样一幅画面便在我脑子里永久定格:父亲拿着一把尺子,我像个受戒的小和尚一样恭恭敬敬站在他面前,一字一句地背:“人之初,性本善。性相近,习相远……”背不出来,父亲手里的尺子就高高扬起,而此时哥哥正躲在一旁幸灾乐祸地偷笑。经常是我一边背、一边哭。那时的我心里想的就是:我怎么命这么苦啊?有个地主爸爸,让我受这么多的臭规矩。如果我有个贫农爸爸,保证我再不会背什么“养不教,父之过。教不严,师之惰”了。


  我渐渐长大了,地主成分已经对我的生活构不成丝毫影响。长大了的我发现父亲是很疼爱我的,我开始心安理得地享受他给予我的一切。记得上技校时的一个冬天的傍晚,寒流来临,气温骤降。父亲担心我的被褥太薄,骑着自行车走十几里路来给我送厚被褥。途中天降大雨,父亲怕被褥淋湿,脱下雨衣盖在被褥上,自己则冒雨前行。当他来到我的宿舍时,嘴唇都冻乌了,一时连话都说不出来。我当时正沉迷于一本小说中,只顾躺在床上,连句问候的话也没对父亲说,更不用说去送送他了。


  有句俗语说:“年轻时犯的错,上帝都会原谅。”而我对父亲犯的错,假如真有上帝,我想他肯定不会原谅我。在父亲活着的有生之年,我从未给他买过任何东西。我送他的唯一礼物:一双羊皮手套还是我在技校参加法律竞赛获得第一名的奖品。当我把手套拿给父亲时,他眼睛都笑眯了,连声夸赞:“还是女儿好,女儿有出息。哪像儿子,一点用都没有。”他戴着那双手套坐单位的值班车,有座位他不坐,偏要站着。他故意抓着上面的栏杆,让车上所有人的目光都盯着他戴着手套的手。当有人夸他的手套漂亮时,父亲立刻得意洋洋地说:“这是我女儿奖的,我那个女儿可有出息了,别人都叫她才女呢。我女儿文文静静的,一点也不像别人家的女儿疯疯颠颠的。”父亲的话引起了很多人的反感,而他仍旧兴奋地自顾自说下去。连母亲都看不下去了,对别人说他太虚荣。唉,一双羊皮手套就能引起父亲那么多的满足。可惜我对此认识得太晚了!


  我参加工作后,父亲就一直在山东会战。退休后,他被反聘留在山东继续上班。这其间,我结婚成家,生孩子,一心只围着自己的小家转,父亲被我渐渐地淡忘了。只在逢年过节,我收到父亲托人带给我的礼物:毛呢大衣或羊皮靴时,我才会想起原来他还在山东。97年,退休已经5年的父亲终于回到湖北,回来后他就再也没有起来:胃癌晚期。在他住院的那段时间,我每去一次医院,心灵上就要受一次煎熬,我后悔自己对他的关爱太少。坐在父亲的病床前,我问他:“爸爸,我真的不是个好女儿,你怪不怪我?”父亲笑着说:“傻孩子,爸爸怎么会怪你呢?从小到大,你都是爸爸最喜欢的孩子。你哥哥就说爸爸偏心,爸爸是偏心,爸爸就是喜欢你比喜欢他多!”

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