给2013届毕业生的29条建议

又到一年毕业季，毕业生一面沉浸在毕业的喜悦，聚会的欢乐中，一面又面临找工作进入社会的压力。在这个时段，人总是容易失去自我，感到迷惘。以下的29条建议也许会给毕业生们一些帮助。

29 Rules For The Class Of 2013

Congratulations, college graduates! Surely you're wondering: What advice could a reprobate sports columnist possibly have? Isn't there a worthier candidate to address you -- perhaps a Nobel winner, a head of state or at least someone you vaguely recognize from 'Project Runway'? Would any university really be this desperate? Where is Ryan Seacrest? Doesn't Ryan Seacrest have anything to say? What about Ryan Seacrest's personal chef?

But I'm not going to try and gloss this up. Your graduation is a special time. But your special time lasts about 60 more minutes -- maybe 90 if you have some gassy trustees who don't know when to stop talking. The second your cap and gown hit the pavement, you're just like the rest of us, more hungry souls trapped in line at Chipotle. Behind me. I got here first.

Advice columns like this appear from time to time -- the most famous is Mary Schmich's amazing 'Wear Sunscreen,' published in 1997; it's impossible not to be influenced by it -- and you will encounter mentors who will urge you to master trapeze and walk barefoot to Barcelona and play Scrabble with dolphins. But I figure you want something practical. Something inspirational, but also something you can use. Here goes:

1. Relax. Nobody expects anything from you for the first 80 to 90 years.

2. Good news: It totally doesn't matter that you barely cracked 'The Grapes of Wrath' sophomore year. It's never going to come up. Ever. You're safe now.

3. You're going to buy a bad bed. You can't help it. You just graduated college. You don't know anything about beds. You're going to sleep on the worst bed for at least seven years. It might even be a horrible futon. This will be funny later.

4. No matter how hard you try to stop it, you're going to end up watching 'Jerry Maguire' and 'Con Air' at least 1,300 times on cable.

5. You can mispronounce 'nadir' and 'banal' for the rest of your life, and it's OK, because nobody really knows how to pronounce 'nadir' or 'banal.'

6. You can under-Karaoke, but definitely don't over-Karaoke.

7. While you're still young, stay up to watch the end of 'Monday Night Football.' After the age of 35, it's physically impossible.

8. Never enter an IKEA without your game face on.

9. Life is too short to be a Miami Marlin.

10. The job market is fierce right now, but if you're lucky to get an interview, you can set yourself apart from the crowd by wearing shorts and flip-flops to the interview. Trust me on this. Everyone loves shorts and flip-flops -- especially if you start the interview by kicking the flip-flops up on top of the interviewer's desk, then yawning loudly before opening a tin of Pringles.

11. If you get a job, don't speak for the first 48 months on the job. Cultivate an air of mystery. By year two, start dressing in a Minnesota Timberwolves road uniform and carrying a bird on your shoulder. Feed the bird live fish in the office kitchen. Continue to not talk.

12. Don't be impressed by people's fancy houses or boats. Houseboats, fine. Because houseboats are amazing.

13. You don't have to let the boss win at golf. You do have to let bosses talk about their vacations to Patagonia and the 100-mile bike rides they did last weekend. Sorry. You just have to.

14. Don't sweat being current about music. Three or four Sam Cooke records and you're set for life.

15. Your 20s are not the time to be babbling about a hot new restaurant with the amaaaaazing chef. That's what 40s are for.

16. In social settings, never argue about politics, religion or your fantasy draft.

17. Don't spend too much time worrying about the approval of Bill Belichick.

18. Talk to animals. Because you never know.

19. The human experience is too beautiful to waste by being profound on Twitter. Wow, that is profound. Please tweet that.

20. The most important thing you own right now? Your bluejeans. Twenty-five years from now, if you pull out those bluejeans, and fit into them, you are going to run around your house like you won the Super Bowl in overtime.

21. Every once in a while, you're going to throw a bad dinner party. You've got to shake them off, like blowout losses.

22. Doughnuts come in and out of your life, like past loves. You never really say goodbye to doughnuts.

23. Remember, life can be cruel: You may work very hard, be polite and kind to your colleagues, respectful to your employers, win a playoff game. . .and the Broncos and Jets will still dump you.

24. Spend a summer sleeping out underneath the stars. Or just Facebook that you did.

25. The future is going rock your world. By the time you are in your 50s there may be humans living on Mars. And Derrick Rose may be back playing for the Chicago Bulls.

26. When the waiter asks, 'Another round of margaritas?' the answer is always, 'Another round of margaritas.'

27. The two greatest moments in life are indeed what everyone says they are: the birth of your first child and the time in the hotel when you ate an entire room-service pizza by yourself.

28. To be real for a moment: Don't listen to rules. Anyone you admire in life almost surely made a significant choice, somewhere along the way, to break the rules, to be brave and do things differently, and change their world.

29. Refer always to Rule 28. It is really the only rule. OK, also the thing about the margaritas.

祝贺你们，大学毕业生们！你们心里肯定在疑惑：一个行为不羁的体育专栏作家能有什么建议？难道没有更合适的人选来给我们讲话吗──兴许是一名诺贝尔奖得主、一位国家元首、或者至少是你依稀认得的《天桥骄子》(Project Runway)节目中的某个人物？真有大学饥不择食到这般地步？瑞安•西克雷斯特(Ryan Seacrest)在哪里？西克雷斯特难道没什么可说的吗？西克雷斯特的私人厨师呢？

不过我可没打算要粉饰事实。你们的毕业典礼是一个特殊时刻，但你们的特殊时刻只能持续大约60分钟时间──如果你们邀请的一些人夸夸其谈，不知道何时收口，也许会有90分钟。在你们脱下学位服的方帽长袍的那一刻之后，你们和其他的人就没什么两样了，Chipotle快餐店门口排队的长龙里又多了些饥肠辘辘的人。排我后面，我先到的。

像这样的建议专栏一次次地出现过──最著名的是玛丽•施米奇(Mary Schmich)1997年发表的令人惊叹的《涂防晒霜》(Wear Sunscreen)；不受其影响是不可能的──你会在这样的专栏里碰到力劝你掌握荡秋千的技术、赤脚走到巴塞罗那、和海豚一起玩拼字游戏的人生导师。但是我认为你们想要一些实用的东西，可以鼓舞人心但又可以为人所用的东西。那就开始吧：

1. 放松自己。没有人指望你在最初的80到90年里做出点什么。

2. 给你一个好消息：如果你在“愤怒的葡萄”式的大学二年级差点没过关，那完全没有关系。它永远不会被提及了，永远。你现在安全了。

3. 你将买到一张烂床，这事儿你躲不了的。你刚从大学毕业，根本不懂得任何床方面的知识。你将在最烂的床上睡至少七年时间。那床甚至可能就是一张可怕的榻榻米床垫，以后想起这个你会觉得好笑。

4. 不管你怎样努力去抑制自己，你最终还是会在有线电视上看至少1,300遍《甜心先生》(Jerry Maguire)和《空中监狱》(Con Air)。

5. 你可以在今后的生活中发错“nadir”（意为“最低点”）和“banal”（意为“平庸的”）的读音，没什么关系，因为没有人真正知道“nadir”或“banal”该如何发音。

6. 你可以少唱点卡拉OK，但是绝对不要过度唱卡拉OK。

7. 在你还年轻的时候，可以熬夜看“周一橄榄球之夜”(Monday Night Football)的结果。到35岁以后，你的身体就做不到了。

8. 不带上面具不要进宜家(IKEA)。

9. 人生苦短，你做不了一条迈阿密马林鱼(译注：马林鱼是海中霸主，美国职业棒球大联盟中有一支球队名为“迈阿密马林鱼”)。

10. 现在的就业市场竞争激烈，但如果你有幸得到了一次面试机会，你可以标新立异地穿着短裤和人字拖去面试。相信我，人人都爱短裤和人字拖──尤其是如果你在面试开始时把穿着人字拖的脚搁到面试官的桌面上，然后大声地打个呵欠，再打开一罐品客薯片(Pringles)。

11. 如果你找到了工作，在上班的最初48个月里不要说话，营造一种神秘的气氛。到第二年的时候，开始穿明尼苏达森林狼队(Minnesota Timberwolves)的队服并在肩膀上携带一只小鸟，用办公室厨房里的活鱼喂鸟。继续保持沉默。

12. 不要被别人的豪华住宅或游艇所打动。船屋就很不错了，因为船屋太妙不可言了。

13. 你不必在打高尔夫的时候让老板赢球，但你必须让老板大谈他们在巴塔哥尼亚(Patagonia)的度假以及上周末他们进行的100英里自行车骑行。很遗憾，你只能这么做。

14. 不要拼命追赶流行音乐。你这辈子有三、四张山姆•库克(Sam Cooke)的唱片就足够了。

15. 20多岁不是你叽叽喳喳谈论一家新开的热门餐厅的厨师有多么棒的时候，那是40多岁的时候才干的事儿。

16. 在社交场合，不要与人争论政治、宗教或你的梦幻选秀比赛。

17. 不要花太多时间担心是否会得到比尔•比利奇克(Bill Belichick，译注：他是美国著名的橄榄球教练)的认同。

18. 和动物说说话，因为谁知道会有什么样的结果呢？

19. 人生体验太美好了，不要浪费时间在推特(Twitter)上装深沉。哇噢！这一条真的很深沉，请发到推特里。

20. 你现在拥有的最重要的东西是什么？你的牛仔裤。25年后，如果你拿出这些牛仔裤，穿上去还很合身，你会围着自家房子跑圈，就好像你在加时赛中赢得了超级碗大赛(the Super Bowl)一样。

21. 偶尔你会举办一次糟糕的宴会。你得像对待比赛失利一样摆脱它们的影响。

22. 多纳圈在你的生活中进进出出，就像是过去的老情人。你从未真正与多纳圈道过别。

23. 记住，生活可能很残酷：或许你工作十分努力、善待同事、尊重老板、赢得了季后赛……然而野马队(Broncos)和喷气机队(Jets)还是会把你扫地出门。

24. 花一个夏天露宿在星空下，或者只是在脸谱网(Facebook)上发帖说你这样做了。

25. 未来会撼动你的世界。等到你50多岁的时候，也许已经有人生活在火星上了，德里克•罗斯(Derrick Rose)也许又回来为芝加哥公牛队(Chicago Bulls)效力了。

26. 当服务生问“再来一轮玛格丽塔酒吗？”时，总是回答：“再来一轮。”

27. 生活中两个最了不起的时刻实际上是大家表明自己是何许人的时候：第一个小孩出生的时候以及你在酒店里一个人就把送到房间里来的披萨整个吃完的时候。

28. 现实一点：不要听从规则。你一生中所仰慕的那些人基本上都曾在人生路途中的某个地方做出了打破规则、勇往直前、另辟蹊径并改变世界的重大选择。

29. 永远参考第28条规则。它实际上是唯一的一条规则。对，它也适用于有关玛格丽塔酒的那一条。